On love...

This morning, as I meditated on the beach, I began thinking about all of the people I love (and who love me in return), and I was moved to tears. Thus began a trend which has been following me all day-- blissed-out to the breaking point, the smallest suggestion is enough to inspire the waterworks to flow. I usually feel like I live a blessed life, but when I reflect on how much love is around me daily, it bursts my heart completely open.

I am also amazed by how many people in my life are themselves living in love. Some of my dearest friends are in relationships that are embodying love to the fullest. Their happiness and connection compounds my own experience of love, and brings me a deep sense of joy that is just beyond me.. hence the tears. All that energy has to go somewhere, I guess.

I think about my family members-- my parents, my brothers-- they are all blessed with full and loving relationships. Again, this is deeply inspiring. 

I recently received the news that my former partner, one of the major loves in my life, is getting married to a now major love in his life. I wish him so much happiness and can only express gratitude for his role in my life even now. 

I don't know what they put in the water here in Costa Rica, but everyone should have some. It would be the end of wars. 

To all of my loves, know that I'm sending you lots while I am away. Your presence in my life is beyond a blessing-- it's a miracle-- and one I am deeply grateful for.

Isn't love grand? 

(Yes, yes it is... now can someone hand me a tissue?)

<3 

D

On Surrender...

Finally-- Costa Rica! Although I have not yet arrived in Nosara, the town I will call home for the next stretch of time, I definitely feel like I have landed.

As I mentally prepared for my departure over the last week, something that continued to come up for me was the need to let go. Although this sounds simple, (just let go!) it is not an easy or effortless task. As passive as it sounds, letting go takes work.

Although I often like to believe that I am ultimately the one in control of this journey, there comes a point where I have to acknowledge the role of something bigger and beyond me that is also at work. (I learned this during Costa Rica trip 2.0, when all of my best laid plans, which took months to create, disappeared in day... and for those keeping tabs, I am relearning it now for the 9,999,999,998th time).

In saying this, I am not discounting the power of choice or personal volition, or the law of cause and effect; I can certainly attest, I am living out the effects of many recent actions and decisions. What I am learning, is that there is a very thin line between choice-- conscious steps in a certain direction-- and surrender-- essentially, a leap of faith. It seems to me that finding harmony between these two states of being is the key to being presently alive.

This concept is probably old news to many, but a certain translation of it was introduced to me during our yoga teacher training. In the yoga sutras, Patanjali talks about the seeming duality of abhyasa (resolute action, practice) and vairagya (non-attachment). Our teacher talked about the need to take resolute, conscious action-- to make a choice and stand by it-- and at the same time invoke an attitude of non-attachment to the outcome. Basically, it embodies the idea that there are some things we can control (our choices, behaviors, actions) and then there is everything that is beyond us (the outcomes, reactions reprecussions). Our teachers message was-- act with your whole heart, be resolute and determined.. that is the most you can do. If you make a mess, if seeming disaster strikes as a result, so be it. At least you lived up to your end.
(In my experience, by the way, what can at first seem like a mess is often the best possible outcome in the end).

As someone who is often convinced that I need to plan my entire life out, that each choice could spell success or disaster, that there is a right or wrong answer to the decisions I am faced with (which partner? which job? which apartment? what time frame?) these concepts give me pause.

As Caroline Myss states, it is not about the choice really, but about your reasons for choosing it. There is no right or wrong choice, only different lessons to be learned from evaluating your motivations and being with each outcome.

Similarly, Carlos Castaneda says the only thing to ask yourself is does this path have heart? He says, all paths lead to nowhere, but if you choose the path with heart you will always grow.

So here I am, Costa Rica 3.0. I dont know where this journey will take me, and right now at least, I can release the need to know. I made a conscious choice to follow my inspiration, and I am resolved to stick with it, ups and downs, twists and turns, because I know is this path has heart-- my heart-- and I am ready to ride the waves until I am called to shore.

With love and gratitude, enjoy the journey!

Outside in...

Something I've been looking at is my tendency to look outside myself for the answers, resources, permission, or power to follow through, act, move forward or fill-in-the-verb here. 

Yesterday, I was thinking about it in terms of my belief that peace will come to me when I am in Costa Rica, living on the beach. As I shared, I had the realization that not only will peace not come to me on the beach, quite conversely, stress would be waiting on the beach towel next to me... unless of course I changed my line of thinking. Part two of this realization is that peace is already here if I enter into the exact space that I am in now. (And that space can be anywhere at any moment).

Yesterday, I was able to find peace for the most fleeting of moments by watching my breath and becoming fully present. Today, I tried to recreate this experience (thereby holding on to the past) and I had a fairly challenging time. Sitting there, looking for peace (where did it go? I thought I left it right here!), the wheels of my mind started turning. As I struggled to focus on my breath, a beep from the telephone distracted me (maybe when it's totally silent I will find peace); then my mom came home and began opening cabinets (maybe when my mom leaves the room I will find peace); then there was the gardener with a leaf blower (maybe I'll find peace tomorrow)... Basically, before I knew it, I was back in the mindset that my experience of peace was conditional, that it would some how present itself when the time and place was exactly right... WRONG.

I then began thinking about all of the other places in my life where I am waiting for something outside to change before I do..."I will meditate more when I'm in more tranquil surroundings,"  or, "I will start eating better when I'm not surrounded by such good restaurants, or when the holidays are over and the chocolate is gone,"or, "I will begin healing once so-and-so apologizes..." It is honestly staggering how much personal power I have ceded to the smallest external condition or stimulus. And that's just the minor stuff.

As I told  a friend recently, becoming conscious of our behavior is the first step towards changing it. We may have to witness ourselves making the same unhealthy choices or falling back into the same frustrating habits hundreds of times before we choose something different, but at least if we are aware of it, there is hope that one day we will move beyond it. 

Although it didn't happen while I was meditating, I was able to enter a state of peace today-- at the gym of all places! There I was, on the elliptical, pumping away, listening to Ron Trent's Deep Sexy house mix, totally in my body and my breath, not searching or waiting for it... and there it was. Nothing about my environment was particularly peaceful or sacred, and yet my inner environment was totally there.

Lesson learned. Now to relearn it 9,999,999,999 more times....

  

Revelation in Neon (or Enlightenment in Las Vegas)

This is it; this is the first step towards becoming one of those people. You know, a blogger. I can hear the collective groan coming from all of the people who know me best. But, here I go, doing it anyway. 

Disclaimer: If you know me fairly well, skip this part and begin reading below...

An introduction to life as I've lived it: 

Back in December, I set the intention (and bought the plane ticket) to return to Costa Rica on February 9th in order to pursue la pura vida. After setting off with a similar intention in November, I was amazed by how quickly my "plans" went out the window. I learned two days into my initial voyage that the yoga retreat where I had intended to cook would have no visitors for nearly a month-- the initial length of time I had intended to stay. This left me at the top of a hill, at the end of distant beach town, at the tip of the most southern peninsula of Costa Rica, without electricity, phones or dry matches to send smoke signals (it was the end of the rainy season), and most importantly, without a plan.

Somewhat surprisingly, in my two hour hike back to the nearest town, I resolved to remain calm, because I instinctually felt like something better was coming my way. I found a patch of cell reception along my jungle beach path and used it to call my parents. Again, somewhat surprisingly, they too remained calm. To make a long story short: despite torrential rains, flooded rivers, and the threat of airport closures, I arrived back in San Jose one day later with a list of yoga related contacts in Costa Rica. (Thank You Costa Rican Biologist Angel!) 

By the next day, I a new plan had found me, and a month and a half later I was graduating as a certified yoga teacher-- a goal I have had since my first yoga class at Laughing Lotus over 5 years ago. 

Friends' Abridged Version: 

So, here I am again, a couple of months later, armed with a "plan," (although this time even less focused) to return to Costa Rica in order to pursue peace and balance, to share yoga and cook, and to complete another part of a professional training at the yoga institute. (Infinite thank you's to a fellow Nosara Grad for providing a scholarship). 

And yet, it's February 12th and I'm not there yet. On February 10th, I boarded a plane to Las Vegas, seeking out my old bedroom rather than the beach, in the hopes of creating some space around an emotionally charged week of  various "see-ya-laters" from friends and loved ones (some seemingly more final than others). Despite my usually independent nature, I chose not to try to push through this alone, and to instead create some grounding and stability before setting off to take over the world.

I'm so glad I did, because this morning, in our living room, with the flashing lights of the strip (and strippers!) only a few miles away, I felt enlightened for two fleeting seconds. Here is what came up: 

I was moving to Costa Rica (I thought) in search of balance; in order to live more simply, without the distraction and intense energy of the city. But I haven't even arrived there yet and already I was planning my next move. I could see myself, sitting on the beach, without any real stress to speak of, and I could already feel my heart and mind racing with the question, "what next?" 

It dawned on me that I could end up on the beach in Costa Rica, in one of arguably the most tranquilo places on earth, and I would still be stressed out. For years I've been blaming the city for making me crazy, and this morning I realized...

It's not the city! It's just ME! 

Of course, the truth is, it's not just me, it's many of us. There are many others out there who simultaneously love the city, but feel overwhelmed by it, who love the stimulation but go to the point of burnout. I am telling myself at least, that there are others who swing from one end of the spectrum to another, without yielding for moderation at some point in the middle.

And hence, a blog is born. Living La Vida Yoga is intended to be a rough guide to creating harmony and finding balance no matter where you are, written one day at a time, by someone still trying to figure it out. For all of the spiritual gangsters and spiritualistas living life in the concrete jungle of NYC (and in the towns and cities beyond), and to anyone else who is in search of making more peace, finding more joy, and living their life as they want it to be exactly where they are now, this blog seeks to inspire and support you on your path, and more importantly, share the journey. 

It may seem easier to find enlightenment on the beach, (although I can already see how misguided that idea was). Finding enlightenment on the subway... at rush hour... in the summer... now that takes BALLS! 

Peace for now!