On Surrender...

Finally-- Costa Rica! Although I have not yet arrived in Nosara, the town I will call home for the next stretch of time, I definitely feel like I have landed.

As I mentally prepared for my departure over the last week, something that continued to come up for me was the need to let go. Although this sounds simple, (just let go!) it is not an easy or effortless task. As passive as it sounds, letting go takes work.

Although I often like to believe that I am ultimately the one in control of this journey, there comes a point where I have to acknowledge the role of something bigger and beyond me that is also at work. (I learned this during Costa Rica trip 2.0, when all of my best laid plans, which took months to create, disappeared in day... and for those keeping tabs, I am relearning it now for the 9,999,999,998th time).

In saying this, I am not discounting the power of choice or personal volition, or the law of cause and effect; I can certainly attest, I am living out the effects of many recent actions and decisions. What I am learning, is that there is a very thin line between choice-- conscious steps in a certain direction-- and surrender-- essentially, a leap of faith. It seems to me that finding harmony between these two states of being is the key to being presently alive.

This concept is probably old news to many, but a certain translation of it was introduced to me during our yoga teacher training. In the yoga sutras, Patanjali talks about the seeming duality of abhyasa (resolute action, practice) and vairagya (non-attachment). Our teacher talked about the need to take resolute, conscious action-- to make a choice and stand by it-- and at the same time invoke an attitude of non-attachment to the outcome. Basically, it embodies the idea that there are some things we can control (our choices, behaviors, actions) and then there is everything that is beyond us (the outcomes, reactions reprecussions). Our teachers message was-- act with your whole heart, be resolute and determined.. that is the most you can do. If you make a mess, if seeming disaster strikes as a result, so be it. At least you lived up to your end.
(In my experience, by the way, what can at first seem like a mess is often the best possible outcome in the end).

As someone who is often convinced that I need to plan my entire life out, that each choice could spell success or disaster, that there is a right or wrong answer to the decisions I am faced with (which partner? which job? which apartment? what time frame?) these concepts give me pause.

As Caroline Myss states, it is not about the choice really, but about your reasons for choosing it. There is no right or wrong choice, only different lessons to be learned from evaluating your motivations and being with each outcome.

Similarly, Carlos Castaneda says the only thing to ask yourself is does this path have heart? He says, all paths lead to nowhere, but if you choose the path with heart you will always grow.

So here I am, Costa Rica 3.0. I dont know where this journey will take me, and right now at least, I can release the need to know. I made a conscious choice to follow my inspiration, and I am resolved to stick with it, ups and downs, twists and turns, because I know is this path has heart-- my heart-- and I am ready to ride the waves until I am called to shore.

With love and gratitude, enjoy the journey!