Yesterday, I was thinking about it in terms of my belief that peace will come to me when I am in Costa Rica, living on the beach. As I shared, I had the realization that not only will peace not come to me on the beach, quite conversely, stress would be waiting on the beach towel next to me... unless of course I changed my line of thinking. Part two of this realization is that peace is already here if I enter into the exact space that I am in now. (And that space can be anywhere at any moment).
Yesterday, I was able to find peace for the most fleeting of moments by watching my breath and becoming fully present. Today, I tried to recreate this experience (thereby holding on to the past) and I had a fairly challenging time. Sitting there, looking for peace (where did it go? I thought I left it right here!), the wheels of my mind started turning. As I struggled to focus on my breath, a beep from the telephone distracted me (maybe when it's totally silent I will find peace); then my mom came home and began opening cabinets (maybe when my mom leaves the room I will find peace); then there was the gardener with a leaf blower (maybe I'll find peace tomorrow)... Basically, before I knew it, I was back in the mindset that my experience of peace was conditional, that it would some how present itself when the time and place was exactly right... WRONG.
I then began thinking about all of the other places in my life where I am waiting for something outside to change before I do..."I will meditate more when I'm in more tranquil surroundings," or, "I will start eating better when I'm not surrounded by such good restaurants, or when the holidays are over and the chocolate is gone,"or, "I will begin healing once so-and-so apologizes..." It is honestly staggering how much personal power I have ceded to the smallest external condition or stimulus. And that's just the minor stuff.
As I told a friend recently, becoming conscious of our behavior is the first step towards changing it. We may have to witness ourselves making the same unhealthy choices or falling back into the same frustrating habits hundreds of times before we choose something different, but at least if we are aware of it, there is hope that one day we will move beyond it.
Although it didn't happen while I was meditating, I was able to enter a state of peace today-- at the gym of all places! There I was, on the elliptical, pumping away, listening to Ron Trent's Deep Sexy house mix, totally in my body and my breath, not searching or waiting for it... and there it was. Nothing about my environment was particularly peaceful or sacred, and yet my inner environment was totally there.
Lesson learned. Now to relearn it 9,999,999,999 more times....
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