Know your place...

Have you ever attempted to support someone close to you by listening to a story about a recent trauma, conflict or upsetting event?

Have you, after hearing that story, ever tried to offer some guidance, wisdom or perspective, or tried to shed some light on a seemingly obvious aspect of their experience?

Have you, after generously offering such support, then had the person turn their anger, sadness, frustration or confusion on you, leaving you feeling dumbfounded, hurt, and confused yourself?

Ah yes, welcome to the complexities of human relationships. Just when we think we are being a good friend, a helpful guide, or a wise teacher, our best efforts go unrecognized, or at worst, shoot us in the foot.

I recently witnessed some interesting interpersonal interactions that, although less than enjoyable for all involved, were deeply illuminating. Twice in the span of a few days, someone close to me had the unpleasant experience of opening their heart and offering what they thought was support, only to have the person on the receiving end respond less-than-graciously. Now, not only was the original person in a bad spot, but my friend now too was feeling deeply hurt.

Already seeing a pattern emerging, I asked for permission before offering “support.” When permission was granted, I spoke:

“Sometimes, people don’t need anything from you but to be heard. Sometimes, people don’t even need to be heard, they just need to be held. Sometimes, people don’t even need to be held, they just need you to hold the space while they go through whatever they’re experiencing. Despite your best intentions, it’s important to know your place…“

The next time someone comes to you with a problem, a story of woe, or some other situation, before you act (or react) ask yourself what your role is. If you’re not sure, ask the person involved, “do you want my advice or do you just need someone to listen to you?” It might come as a surprise, but most of us are adept at figuring things out ourselves if we just have the time and space to process things. Your role may not be to problem solve or fix anything, but to be present while the person works through things themselves.

Being present with someone may not look like much on the outside, but it takes a lot of inner work. If you find yourself in such a situation, consider the following technique, known as active listening:

Allow the person to speak without interruption, listening and witnessing without judgment until they are completely through. (If they pause, wait a few moments to see if they begin again, before you begin to respond).

When you are sure they are finished speaking say, “I’d like to repeat back to you what I heard you say, so that I can be sure I heard you correctly.”

Begin to repeat back, in your own words, the main ideas or feelings the person shared. Don’t worry about repeating things verbatim, or remembering everything they talked about. Just pick up the core concepts, and repeat objectively in your own words.

Ask, “did I hear you correctly?” Wait for their response. Then ask, “is there anything you would like to add?”

At that point you may ask, “would you like me to share my thoughts or offer some guidance?” Only proceed if the person requests you to share.

If nothing further is requested of you, you can thank them for sharing their experience with you and finish the conversation.

That’s it. Seriously.